I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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