i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
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She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
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one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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