He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
