I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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