haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
