Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Randomize
