my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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