who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
