just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
