They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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