we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
