I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
