Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The feeling are messing with the penis
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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