I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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