do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
