so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
