so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
