So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
3pm strippers are depressing
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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