Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
