she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
