forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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