Redeem this text for a blowjob
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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