Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
