He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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