My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
