I can text with my tongue
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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