I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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