We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
you never un-have a 4some
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
