Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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