I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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