I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
