We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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