today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize