It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
