What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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