Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
