they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
