I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
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