i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
