You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
