PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Randomize
