dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
