um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
