You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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