I faked an abortion last night.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
