I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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