I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
the day after is always just damage control
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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