Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
