You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
