M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
