i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I need moral support for this bender
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
