It was confusing and full of hummus
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
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Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
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He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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