How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
