Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
