I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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