how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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