I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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