You smell like a Billy Joel song
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
