Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
try to milk me bitch
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