Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
