the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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